Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Will She Ever Know?
Lily Baker is just the greatest kid. Today as I was trying to get her to calm down and take her nap, she pointed at my nose and said, "I love your nose, mommy." I couldn't help but smile.
She fills my heart so much. Sometimes when I'm holding her, I think my heart will burst. I'm currently working on some quotes to include in a coffee table book our photographer is putting together for Lily. As I was in the process of researching verses and quotes this afternoon, I thought, "Will she ever know?"
Will she ever know how she healed hearts that were absolutely broken in two?
Will she ever know the dark, gaping hole she filled when she came into our lives?
Will she ever know that she gave me permission to love with my whole heart again?
You see, when I was pregnant with Lily, I tried not to bond with her for the first six months of her life. I know it sounds crazy, but I was so afraid she was going to die like Melissa did, and I just could not go through that pain again. So, in my mind I thought if I didn't get too attached to her, it might not hurt so bad if something happened to her.
I think that's normal for a mom who has a lost a child, but now it seems so strange.
How could I not be attached to Lily? This beautiful little girl showed me how to love someone again with my whole heart, without the fear of losing them. I cannot imagine my life without her.
Thank you God that you know what is best for us. Thank you God that you bless us so richly. Thank you that even in the midst of tragedy, you have a plan for our lives.
"'I know the plans I have for you,'" declares the Lord, "'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" - Jeremiah 29:11
That's exactly what he gave us when he gave us Lily. Hope and a future.
I call Lily our beautiful completion. She's not a replacement for Melissa, but she completed our family in a way I could never have imagined.
Will she ever know? Will she ever truly understand how she saved our family?
But, I'll never forget.