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Thursday, January 14, 2016

I Carry the Scars

It's funny what the mind remembers.

I was working out this morning and the song "100 Years" by Five for Fighting came through my headphones. That song always takes me back to my hospital room in the spring of 2005. It was part of a Capital One commercial and it played over and over again on the television. I was a captive audience because I was on bed rest at Huntsville Hospital awaiting the birth of my twins. Every time I hear that song, I flash back to my hospital room.

I was lifting weights when it came on today and as I thought back to the girl in that hospital room, my first thought was "Well, Amy, you made it. You survived." As I looked in the mirror at this body that I'm trying to get back into shape, I thought, "But, you still bear the scars."

I bear the physical scars of having children. The actual physical scar of having two c-sections. The scar of having a stomach that no matter how many sit-ups I do, just won't go back to it's "pre-baby" stage.

Those are the scars I can see. But they don't even compare to the scars I carry inside.

I carry the scars of trying for almost two years to get pregnant, always ending in disappointment.

I carry the scars of my doctor looking me in the eye during my 18th week of pregnancy and saying, "I'm not going to lie to you, Amy. This is as bad as it gets."

I carry the scars of being moved to a hospital room and being told, "You aren't leaving here until those babies are born." They weren't due for 22 more weeks.

I carry the scars of being wheeled into an emergency procedure on that very day to try and save Melissa's life.

I carry the scars of being told that even though that procedure was successful, they had no way of telling me if Melissa would live or die.

I carry the scars of being told that if Melissa did start to struggle, and they had to take her, they would have to take Ann Catherine, too. And she wouldn't survive either.

I carry the scars of a nurse coming in my hospital room each morning to do an ultrasound on Melissa just to "make sure her heart was still beating."

I carry the scars of laying in a hospital room all day and wondering if this was the day it would stop beating.

I carry the scars of waking up one morning - after seven weeks of bed rest - to find that Melissa was in grave danger.

I carry the scars of nurses flooding my room that morning, and telling me they had to get me to the OR immediately.

I carry the scars of thinking, "This must be it."

I carry the scars of promising both of my girls that if they would just continue to fight, that I would spend the rest of my life fighting for them.

I carry the scars of being told that Melissa just couldn't fight anymore.

I carry the scars of holding my firstborn child as she slipped from the arms of her mother into the arms of her heavenly Father.

I carry the scars of sitting next to Ann Catherine's bedside, and begging her to fight. All one pound, 15 ounces of her.

I carry the scars of waiting for the results of brain scans, heart scans, hearing tests and eye scans - and just holding my breath.

I carry the scars of falling to my knees in my closet and asking God, "Where are you?? I'm down here drowning and I feel like you left me!"

I carry the scars of feeling like my faith had been shaken.

I carry the scars of knowing all of my daughter's earthly belongings fit in one small box. A box that contains all I physically have left of her.

I carry the scars of guilt and years of wondering, "Was there anything I could have done differently to save her?"

I carry the scars of becoming pregnant again, and begging God not to take this child, too.

I carry the scars of being afraid to bond with that child over those nine months, because I was so sure she was going to die.

I carry the scars of knowing that someone is missing from our family.

I carry the scars of knowing that Ann Catherine lost a part of her the day her twin sister died.

I carry the scars of knowing I have a daughter who I will never see grow up. I'll never see her graduate from high school or drive away to college. I'll never watch her get married. I'll never watch her have children of her own.

I carry the scars of learning what it means to truly trust Him when everything you believe in and love has been stripped away.

These scars will never go away. I will never be truly healed in this lifetime.

But, we can live with scars. We can take that pain and we can use it to help others. We can take the worst thing that ever happened to us, and we can use that pain to love others who are also hurting.

Those scars have made me who I am. I have an empathy for those who could never have children. I hurt for those who get pregnant, and then it all goes wrong. I ache for those mothers who won't hold their babies again until they see Heaven. I mourn with them, I hurt for them, I pray for them.

We have something in common. Our scars.

More than anything, I want Ann Catherine and Lily Baker to see my scars. I want them to know that bringing them into this world wasn't easy, but nothing worth having ever is. I don't want to create some fake version of the "perfect mom" who just accepted every bad thing that came her way. I want them to know I was devastated. I want them to know I had it out with God several times. I want them to know that I asked "why me?" I want them to know that sometimes - even 10 years later - it still doesn't make sense to me. I want them to know that I will never be the same person I was before I was wheeled into that hospital on April 15, 2005.

And do you know why I can have those feelings? Those questions that still tear my heart apart?

It's because Jesus had scars, too.

And because of his scars, I can carry mine. I can live with them. I can bear them as a symbol of what it means to love and to lose and to grieve and to cry and to, ultimately, be happy again. And I can do that because the one who holds my future - and the one who holds my daughter - had scars, too.

And because of his scars, I will hold her again.

His redemptive work at the cross makes it all possible. The same cross where he received his scars. For us.

My favorite verse is 1 Peter 5:10: "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." I cling to that promise.

Listen to how the Message describes it: "Keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won't last forever. It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ - eternal and glorious plans they are! - will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does."

I am so thankful for a God who gets the last word. He is still "putting me together" and I have no idea how long that will take. Until I see him, maybe? I have no idea, but until that day, I'll carry these scars as a sign of his love, his mercy and his grace.

Because these scars have made me who I am.


Lindsey McLain said...

Amy..... reading this brought me to tears.. My scars are different than yours and the next girl,wife, mom, friend, sister, daughter- but I thank God that we are here traveling this life the best we can, seeking Christ and trying our best to make something out of our stripes!!!. Its such a gift to have transparent friends who lay it all out there so humbly- God sure knew you were needed to be his hands and feet!!! Love you Friend!!!

Connie Hilton said...

I'll never ever forget the day that Anne Catherine and Melissa were born. I'm glad to have been close enough to pray--even if I didn't know it was for you and your babies.