Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16
As I did my Bible study a few weeks ago, God made something abundantly clear to me.
I am afraid to ask boldly.
It's not that I don't believe that God can do anything. It's not that I don't have faith in Him.
It's because I know how devestating it can be when His answer isn't the same as ours. So even though I pray for others and I believe in His power, when it comes to me, I'm simply afraid to ask boldly.
It all goes back to my daughter's death. Chris and I prayed fervently and passionately that she would be healed. And we didn't just pray it. We believed it. We claimed it.
And then she died and we felt like we had been blindsided. I think her death hit us so hard because we believed that God would answer our prayers.
But, his answer was different from ours. And it was absolutely heartbreaking.
And because of that, I have been afraid to "go out on a limb" when praying because I don't want to be disappointed when the answer is different from mine.
This morning, as I did my Bible study, I came across this verse in Hebrews 4:16:
"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence (my emphasis), so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
I felt like God was hitting me over the head with a two by four. And then I thought about it more.
It's that word "confidence." Didn't I approach the throne with confidence when I prayed for him to heal Melissa?
Yes, I did. But I don't think this verse is talking about that kind of confidence.
It's not being confident that God is going to hear my prayer and answer it exactly the way I want Him to.
It's confidence that he will hear my prayer and that His will will be done. And it's confidence that if that outcome isn't the same one that I prayed for, that He will carry me. It's confidence that His ways are perfect even when they don't make sense to me. It's confidence that He is in control. It's confidence that I cannot control the outcome, but I can trust him to carry me.
Have you ever felt like a verse in the Bible was written just for you? I had that feeling today. Even so, I'm not there yet. I'm praying for that confidence when I do approach His throne of grace. And I am grateful for a God who hears me when I cry.